Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm too high and old for this...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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