I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
