Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
