I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
