he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
