Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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