how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
