Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
