remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
