I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think your dad took our porno
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
