got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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