Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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