Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
