you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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