God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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