I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize