I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
