I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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