Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
