Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
