took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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