i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
