I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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