People in love make me want to vomit
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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