If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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