If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
