Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
