My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
