My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
