i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
