I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
