Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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