I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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