haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize