just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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