Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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