He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
