The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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