areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
