Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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