I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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