And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
