I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
