Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Rumble strips road head = magical
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
