My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
