My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
