my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You're like the curious george of whores
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize