I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
