saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
