I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
