I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
