i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
