The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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