two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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