apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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