I'm really into asian looking animals
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
