Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
