Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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