Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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