Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
