tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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