just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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