Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize