She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
