When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm like, not good at living.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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