i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
