the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
